


Insanity or Super Sanity in the Morning

by kaitlia777



Category: Captain America, The Avengers, X-Men: First Class - Fandom
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-02
Updated: 2011-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaitlia777/pseuds/kaitlia777
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The adventyre continues after Perhaps a Reward, Perhaps Punishment</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insanity or Super Sanity in the Morning

Sometimes, Phil Coulsen wondered if his life was just Gods way of making a joke.

As if finding himself stranded in 1962 with the Avengers and an even more pissed off than usual Nick Fury wasn’t bad enough, through necessity of circumstance, they wound up residing at Charles Xavier’s mansion. Initially, Phil had been relieved, as Xavier always exuded an air of calm, refined dignity, a total respite from the crazy people he worked with every day.

Unfortunately, Phil's memories of Xavier were all from the 21st century and a 60-something Xavier…who, as a 20-something was severely lacking in gravitas and sanity.

The mansion in Westchester seem to be a pressure cooker for lunacy. Even Rogers, the sanest of the Avengers, was falling prey to the influence of the place.

Phil had taken to lurking in the library, commiserating with Moira and watching Fury’s blood pressure rise. He was betting that the vein on Fury's temple would explode any day now.

They also drank a lot of scotch. Phil wondered if Xavier had a distillery on the grounds. It was the only way to explain how, no matter how much they drank, the booze never ran out.

Which was a very good thing, considering how most days went at the mansion.

This morning, at 4:30 AM, the house had been rocked by a louder than usual boom and an alarm immediately began to wail. Phil lurched into the hall just in time to see Magneto and Xavier bolt out of the latter's room. No surprise there, as the pair were about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the skull. That Rogers emerged from his room alone was a surprise and immediately told Phil that Tony probably had something to do with the explosion.

The rest of the Avengers and Charles’s motley crew made their way down to the lab…save for Sean, Alex and Thor.

The terrible threesome were out wreaking havoc (no pun intended).

The nonsexual terrible threesome, that is, as Clint, Natasha and Raven were an actual threesome. Phil was fairly certain the boys weren't actually….

No, he did not need that thought wandering around his pre-caffeinated brain.

Down in the lab, Hank and Bruce had the grace to look abashed while Tony was predictably cheerful. Their attempts to soup up the Blackbird’s engines had led to the destruction of a rather large chunk of the wall.

No one was hurt, though Bruce was looking slightly singed.

They hadn't even begun to hear the reasons why the three geniuses felt the need to play with experimental rocket fuel during the dead of night, when the phone rang. Standing closest to the wall mounted receiver (Phil really missed his cell phone), Steve picked it up and chirped, “Xavier residence.”

He was a morning person.

As Cap listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, his eyes grew steadily wider and his expression more and more appalled. He tried to speak several times, but appeared to get cut off. Finally, he yanked the receiver away from his ear and handed it off to Raven, shaking his head.

She sighed, listened for best, then said, “Okay, pay attention to me. Here's what you're going to do. Don't traumatize the Amish people anymore. Find some pants for Sean and get him off the roof. I don't want to know about the peanut butter, so just let him stay sticky until you get home. Tell Thor that the horse is not talking to him, but yes, he is drunk. Get some butter and rub it on his head and neck so he can squeeze it out of the fence posts. Once you're all on solid ground, drink some water, _just water_ , and eat some of the pie that's in your backpack. Then call a cab and get a ride home. We'll pay the fare once you get here. Is that clear?”

Raven paused and everyone gaped, the massive hole in the wall forgotten entirely. Suddenly, she tensed. “What! No, Alex! No flamethrowers! What you have the flamethrower?!...I thought we instituted the ‘no more flamethrowers’ rule after Sean lit himself on fire the third time!... Yes, I'm glad no one's on fire… Oh, is he all right?... At least that explains the no pants thing… What's that shouting?... Well, go stop him, then call the cab. I'll see you in a few hours.”

As she hung up, Raven found herself being scrutinized by everyone, except for Steve, who still looked horrified. Heaving a sigh, she said, “They’re drunk and high in Amish country. Sean's on the roof of a barn, pantless and covered in peanut butter, but no longer on fire. Thor got his head stuck in a fence and was having a conversation with the horse, but is now berating a chipmunk. Alex's pissed off, because earlier he “took a nap” and when he woke up he found that someone had super glued a teddy bear to ‘Little Alex’. He also has a flamethrower and a bag of pies and no idea where either came from. I told him to call And get home."

For a moment, silence filled the room and all Phil could do was let out a high, strangled sound and say, "Insane, alcoholic super-powered toddlers!”

“What the fuck is in the water here?” Fury demanded in frustration and Phil winced at the volume.

It wasn't even 5:15 AM.

Several hours later, a terrified cabbie dropped the terrible threesome at the mansion and Raven gave the poor man a very large tip. All three reeked of vodka, peanut butter and manure while there clothes were collage of unidentifiable stains. A clump of Alex's pale blonde hair looks to have been dyed purple, but, upon closer inspection, that proved to be blueberry pie filling.

 

As they staggered into the main hall, Phil stood beside Moira, arms crossed, in line with Xavier, Magneto and Fury.

“What did you think you are doing?!” Charles demanded, pale face turning an impressive shade of red.

Alex gave him the sullen teenager look, while Thor seemed surprised by the rebuke and Sean grinned. “Having an awesome night! On the scale of one to everybody dies, it was at least a nine!”

Magneto peered at the redhead and shook his head. “How many times did your mother drop you on your head as a baby?”

This seemed to confuse Sean and Alex used that opportunity to attempt to creep from the room, unsuccessfully, as Moira caught his arm and marched him back to his spot beside Thor.

“What I don't understand is how three more or less grown men with superhuman abilities can ask like such idiots! Do you have any idea the level of damage you could have done to the timeline by roaming around the countryside doing God knows what?!”

Seeing that Fury was about to explode, Charles raised a hand, waving the young men away. “Go sleep it off," he said and, once they'd fled, he turned to Magneto. "Is everything ready?"

"Yes," the taller man said with an unsettling grin. “I say we let him nod off, then strike when they’re vulnerable.”

Fury gave them the hairy eyeball. “What are you to on about?”

Coulsen had never seen Xavier smirk before, but he did as he explained, “It's not like we’re going to allow them to go without censure for such behavior. We’ve placed several tambourines inside large, empty steel drums. In short order, Erik will levitate said drums outside the windows of each of our wanderer’s rooms and set the drums spinning.”

Oh, that was just evil.

A grin spread over Fury's face. "I like the way you to think,” he announced in Phil felt a shiver of dread rush down his spine. “Do you have any air horns we can add to the mix?”

10 AM, and the day wasn't looking up.

11:45 AM, Loki popped into existence in the dining room and Phil almost choked on his ham sandwich. For the first time, he was glad to see the pain in the ass Asgardian, as he could take them home.

But then he remembered that this was Loki, who smirked, waved and went poof…leaving behind Lady Sif and The Warriors Three, all of whom looked incredibly confused.

This day just kept getting better and better….

TBC….

* * *

Comments, pretty please?


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